Feeling: 
too overwhelmed to do or think about anything
Weather: a bit cloudy, 82/58˚ F
I feel so silly and dumb after losing my job almost a month ago. I'm in the middle of looking for an apartment, and I chose the absolute worse time to be naive. maybe it seems like I'm being too hard on myself but I honestly think I'm not hard enough. I would likely still have my job at this moment if I wasn't so blasé in thinking everything would be okay or work out no matter what I did. I also thought it would be easy to find a job with a similar position to what I had, given my experience. The market is just rough for everyone right now... again, worst time for this to all happen. I feel like a failure, not even going to pretend.
The very first week, I was relieved because I wanted to leave my job anyways. The stress at work wasn't worth it and I know I am capable of providing more to this world than basic customer service (I actually like this work so there's no shade here; this is more of a critique of the industry but maybe that could be a post of its own). I see stories of people carving out their own paths for their lives and I wonder, is that possible for me? Is there uncharted territory waiting for me? I was filled with a hope and optimism. But as the weeks have passed, that spirit has dwindled... I have more doubt than belief in a positive change. I can't see the next move forward at all.
I've created this website since then, which I'm honestly proud of, but it also feels like it's served as a way to procrastinate or hide my head in the sand of it all. I've spent sooo much time tweaking the design and coming up with ideas, and so little time spent putting actual words on the screen for anyone to read. Hence this blog post, to be honest. But this is an ongoing pattern in my life: feeling the flow of creative ideas (when the flow is there) but not acting on them. waiting until the "perfect moment" or until "I'm ready." Seeing the moment pass and wondering "what if". Then beating myself to death with my own internal monologues.
They say you won't make a shift in life unless you get sick of your own shit, and I'm pretty firmly there. I'm sick of my shit and I know I can save myself. All things considered, I have the brains, the resourcefulness, and the support. Each day, I can move the needle towards my goals. This discomfort, this embarrassment and internal frustration, I can use it all to propel myself toward the next step. Let's just throw all the spaghetti at the wall, let's see what sticks. It can't hurt more than it already does to just fucking try give it my all.
